At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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