Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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