So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Randomize
