are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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