this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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