I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
