I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
