I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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