Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
