I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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