Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
