Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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