My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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