I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
