Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
