He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
