It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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