how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
