you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
