The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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