FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
