I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
