I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
the liver wants what the liver wants
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
