ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
