i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I have feelings that need drinking.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
