hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
