im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
