life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Randomize
