so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
