i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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