Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
