His apartment number was 69. I had to.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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