i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
