ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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