So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
