They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
