If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
