I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
