im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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