Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
