Define "chronic" masturbator.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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