Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
