There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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