Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
