she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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