Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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