If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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