I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
