she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
