I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
