stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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