Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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