Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Sext me about skeletons
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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