As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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