It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
