I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
