Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
