It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
two words...techno handjob
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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